i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
