My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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