The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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