Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
