I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize