If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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