I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
