I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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