i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
