like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
