You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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