Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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