I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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