no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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