Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
