My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
