College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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