so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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