im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
