just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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