Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
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You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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