i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
