I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
