Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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