wrigley field is MILF paradise
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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