I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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