The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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