Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
