my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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