I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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