You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
