you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
