Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
