I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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