How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
