I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
