im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
