My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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