I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
