he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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