he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
