the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
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I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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