He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
