so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
