My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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