Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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