Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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