So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
