How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
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You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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