thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
