The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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