I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
