My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
