Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
