I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
